Today I woke up later than usual and felt more tired than usual. This weekend I didn't sleep in any of the days...woke up early both Saturday and Sunday for good reasons. I had an opportunity to nap on Sunday but couldn't really fall asleep - too much coffee so I could stay awake earlier. We also went to the gym last night which felt great but has obviously taken a toll on my body. I realize that I am no longer as fit as I was in my early 20's, like when I rode with SCUL and all that, but days like today I really notice it. My lifestyle has become very sedintary (sp) and my body pays the price. I am supposed to be stretching out my back and upper body muscles every chance I get because of the unevenness of my shoulders and mild scoliosis. Well, enough complaining.

My new years resolution (I actually made one this year, I am getting soft in my old age) was to work out more. Yesterday makes workout number two at the gym. I have done other little things like walking, go sledding and I will definitely go cross-country skiing and snowboarding a few times at least. I guess I just need to put my mind to things if I want to do them. My friend is training for a triathlon which sounds like fun but very time consuming...I am not sure I want that much commitment on top of work and everything else. But kudos to him.

I guess I'll go get dressed now and maybe play the Wii fit.

So today was the first snow storm of the season. It seems appropriate that weather was stormy and so was work. But I can't talk about that, so you'll just have to trust me.

The holidays are coming and that means more time to spend with my family, my wife, my sister-in-law and friends. It also means lots of driving, lots of presents (a lot of crap we probably don't need or want) and a lot of eating and drinking. I find it interesting that we live in a society that is big on family and "family values" (whatever the fuck that means) yet when it comes to visiting our extended family, many people feel akward, don't know how to interact, don't get along, or simply avoid them altogether. This is probably a direct result of living so far removed from our families. I'm not just talking about distance, but from their lives in general. Even with my own sister I feel like I don't have much to say and we used to be pretty close.

Does getting wrapped up in our own lives, jobs and media (books, TV, internet, movies, video games, etc) take away from the social interaction that we would normally fill our lives with? Or are they taking the place of the social interaction that we crave? I remember when I was younger that the phone was our main method of communication. It still is but now we have options - e-mail, text message, AIM, etc. These are a lot more impersonal and sometimes can be quite inefficient.

I know that some people are brought up not being so social and it's hard for them to be as extroverted. I find myself a mix between an extrovert and introvert, but the less time I spend with people, I find it is more difficult to carry on conversations with large groups. My family is made of talkers and if you are not a talker, I feel bad if you happen to sit down at a holiday gathering with us. Computers, birds, the weather, oil lamps, wildlife, music, work you name it, you will hear about it within 1-3 hours. It can be overwhelming at times, even for me.

Things are good right now, I am becoming more comfortable with my job. As long as I have ways to unwind, I am set. I like spending time with my wife when I can. Hopefully we can get some cross-country skiing in soon! I have been practicing the drums a lot lately, I'm getting more into it every lesson I get it seems. So that's pretty sweet. So I can't complain...even if I did nobody would listen.

So what is it that makes me feel like no matter what I do, I am not doing enough or it isn't enough money or I need to get a different job? "This is good for now" I say to people when they ask me about how I like my job. I like kids, I enjoy getting paid what I am right now but it seems like it's still not enough. I don't need to be rich, although financial independence would be awesome if it didn't come with so many strings attached. I do feel like making enough money to own a house would be a good thing.

The biggest thing I have to overcome are my own feelings of self defeat. I have felt like this after every accomplishment I have made so far. After graduating Umaine in 2003, I didn't try too hard to get a job in Journalism but I also didn't feel like the industry was for me. I have no desire to even try to be a teacher anymore after getting my secondary ed degree, mostly because I suck at it and my student teaching experiences were mediocre at best. I was turned down for 5 or 6 Ed tech jobs in the area. The only one I was offered was in Hinckley and that's more than an hour away. Two hours of driving a day and a pay cut didn't really appeal to me even though it's a foot in the door.

So what's next? I'm sort of biding my time at Kidspeace for now but the scheduling sucks, it's always changing and I barely get enough hours. Maybe I'll start writing or going to city council meetings as politics is a passion of mine also. Volunteering sounds like a good idea too, something to make me feel good without making money sounds cool also. I don't know, we'll see what happens.

-Guts

Given that today it's 50 degrees and yesterday it was snowing most of the day here, I thought this badge/link would be appropriate. They will offset 350 lbs. of Carbon Dioxide if you sign up on their site. This weather is nutso and will likely only get worse with time. I'll try to do what I can, anyone who wants to help can watch their gas usage (not driving like a Maine-iac helps) and shut off lights and unplug appliances not being used.

I am 30 years old, male, and currently live with my wife and two cats in Bangor, Maine. I have a Bachelor of Arts in Broadcast Journalism from 2003 and a Bachelor of Science in Secondary Education and a Minor in History from 2008, both degrees from the University of Maine in Orono. While this may sound impressive to some, I can assure you that it doesn't feel that way to me, especially since I don't really use either one in my current job. More on that later.

What I would like to share with this blog is what I hope to find out about myself and to try and push myself towards a better life. Some people define "better life" differently than others. To me, it means finding some kind of financial freedom, even if it is a paltry salary compared to a doctor or lawyer. It means having a home that I own, having a happy, healthy family that I can come home to and care for. It also means being able to live more green and be a part of the community.

What I mean by green is living with a small carbon footprint - low greenhouse gas emissions. So for me, driving a small car with high gas mileage and low emissions is not enough. I would like an electric car that can be charged overnight and solar panels on my roof to help heat my water. Geothermal heating would be ideal as it runs only on electricity and if you used a small wind turbine or solar panels to run the electricity, you would be set.

In any case, I currently work part-time as a Behavioral Health Professional for Kidspeace. I try to work as many hours as possible but it's difficult due to the clients I work with and their availability. I work with kids ages infant to 18 or 19 even. Some kids stay in the system (DHHS and foster care) that long or longer until 21. I do enjoy my job, but the problem is I don't feel like I am making any significant impact on the kids. I do feel like a glorified babysitter in a lot of instances and the parents are generally really happy to see me when I show up at their doorstep to do something with their foster child. I'm not sure why I can't just be happy with one thing before trying to move on to the next. I think part of the problem is I have two degrees that I am not using fully and now I have to pay off my student loans, which makes me think about how useful or not useful my education has been.

I will go into more depth about this on my next post.
-GG